Balanced Parenting of Gifted and Normal Siblings
Parenting Without Favoritism Between Siblings
Jun 16, 2009
It is difficult for parents to provide equal attention and presence among children. This is further complicated when a sibling is signaled out as gifted and talented. Especially during high school years, educational and social institutions hold expectations out for parents to give high attention to special children. Parents, however, have a duty to all siblings to prove an equal playing field for brothers and sisters.
Gifted and Talented Demands
Whether it is Advanced Placement (AP) or other education designations, some teenagers achieve amazing academic functioning levels sooner in schooling than expected. Sally Reis' article "Current research on the social and emotional development of gifted and talented students: Good news and future possibilities" [Psychology in the Schools, 2003] shows a number of academic and social structures have been developed to handle the demands of the gifted and talented.
The AP program is one example. This program allows students who show exceptional aptitude for a scientific discipline or art to be awarded both for high school credit as well as college coursework credit. For parents, this offers financial benefits as well as sharing in prestige of the children.
Regardless of the designation, there is an inherent drive to socially advance those showing signs of being gifted and talented. Culturally, Americans have become accustomed to such promotion. However, how does this effect siblings of high achievers who share a bedroom down the hall?
Parental Favoritism
There is a clear need for parents to provide a "safe zone" within the home where all rules and advantages apply equally to all siblings. Developmentally, adolescents are forming their identities and look for reflections in siblings of similar qualities. Adolescents also acquire a major source of self-image and self-esteem from parents and especially from positive interactions with parents.
Parents praising one teen sibling over another is the equivalent of forming a fan club. Teens soon identify themselves as being in the role of competition with siblings for parental attention. And, often, attention equals acceptance in the eyes of adolescents. Eileen Hetherington's groundbreaking "Separate Social Worlds of Siblings" [Lauren Eerlbaum Associates, 1993] maps out the importance of parental support regardless of the attributes of the siblings.
Tips for Treating Siblings Equally
Parents must be able to walk the fine line of supporting the needs of each sibling without ignoring the needs of another. Parents should be aware of their time and energy placed among siblings including attendance of events and allocation of family resources.
Parents can keep things on an equal footing in a number of ways.
- Praise and discipline siblings in an equal, specific manner. Rules should apply equally.
- Encourage teens to participate in areas where they excel or that they enjoy.
- Attend events or competitions equally among siblings.
- Build family outings around common interests.
- Help teenagers acquire new skills in areas outside of normal achievement such as fine arts, martial arts or religious attendance.
Parents, of course, do not want to discourage achievement or the further developments of gifted areas. However, within the family, siblings should find a place of safety and balance from which to explore the world. Parents should take an inventory of past and current parenting skills, family rules and regulations, allowances and other privileges and make certain they are equally distributed based on equality among the siblings.
