Helping Your Daughter Survive Middle School
How to Parents Can Help Girls Navigate Friendships
Apr 6, 2009
Middle school is tough. From the confusion of changing classes to increased homework to the desire for more independence to surging hormones, it's no wonder that the middle years of school are not looked at fondly.
Middle School is More Difficult for Girls
And it may be tougher for girls than for boys. In middle school, many girls learn to succeed socially by being mean. Julia Taylor agrees. As a school counselor at Apex Middle School in Apex, North Carolina, she's come across a lot of meanness among adolescent girls. In a podcast interview, she described how girls' relationships are different from boys'. While boys are more physically aggressive, girls display a lot of power by using friendships as weapons. Instead of communicating effectively with one another, Taylor says, girls tend to communicate about one another.
Helping Daughters Thrive in Middle School Relationships
How can parents help their daughters avoid being either the mean girl or the target? Here are some tips.
- As parents, be aware of what is happening with your child and school. Too often, Taylor says, parents don't know or want to know what's going on. Find out by being active in the school, talking with other parents, listening in on conversations during carpool rides, and of course, talking to your child.
- Be aware too, of some of the new dangers that technology has brought. In addition to privacy issues online, there are new concerns, such as cyber bullying and "sexting," which is sending racy pictures from cell phones. Recent sexting cases in the news involve kids as young as 13. Often both the sender and recipient of the pictures are charged. Ask your child about this, and leave the door open if she wants to discuss it more.
- Once you are aware, help your child learn how to navigate friendships. One of the roots of the meanness may be how girls are socialized. Girls are taught to be nice to everyone and to be friends with everyone, Taylor says. Since this is not natural to like everyone, girls can develop a passive-aggressive behavior. Instead of teaching girls to be friends with everyone, Taylor suggests teaching them to treat everyone with dignity.
- Understand that you and your child are not alone. In her book, Queen Bees and Wannabes [Three Rivers Press, 2003], Rosaline Wiseman provides an insider's view into the world of girls. Looking at it from a less personal, more sociological perspective can help parents understand that many behaviors their daughters exhibit are unintentional, but a result of a group dynamic. By being able to recognize the roles of the clique members, parents can help their children navigate their way to healthy relationships.
Although middle school is a time for independence, it is also a time when children need guidance more than they may know. By being knowledgeable of the teen world and staying accessible, parents can help their children through this chaotic time.
