Helping Your Teenage Son Express Anger

Expressing Rage Should be Tempered with Contemplation and Choice

Apr 6, 2009 Reece Manley

Emotions are in flux during adolescence and anger can be the most troublesome for boys. Inserting the concepts of contemplation and choice in behavior is essential.

As boys pass through the developmental stages leading them through the passage to manhood, they will stumble. One of the hardest obstacles is the feeling of aggression and rage tied into the increasing testosterone and androgenic elements of physical development. Parents can prepare their sons by providing outlines of how anger is expressed throughout the teen years.

Anger is Natural

Like all emotions, there is nothing inherently wrong with the emotion of anger. Anger is one of the more motivating emotions and often leads to necessary actions to change the environment. But if anger is expressed as blind rage, in simple reaction to a situation, this leads to problems for not only the individual but also for those around him.

Part of the challenge for teenage boys in learning to express anger lies in the understanding that simple reaction to a situation does not generally lead to good outcome. Rather, the teen must apply a stage of rationalization between situation and reaction.

Three Components of Behavior

If one were to break down any given behavior, two components are readily identified. First, the causal situation or event. Secondly, the behavior expressed in reaction to the event. For example, John gets hit in the head with an eraser at school and immediately screams at the thrower, "You jerk! I'm going to kill you!"

This is especially true for boys in adolescence because of the increase in the physiological chemistry in development. Boys really can be seething under the surface, ready to respond with anger or rage at any situation or event directed at them.

Parents can help their sons by introducing another element to the behavior. In the above example, John needs to see that his feelings of anger ("You jerk!") are a reaction to the situation (the thrown eraser) but he can introduce a middle step to his anger. John needs to stop to ask why he feels angry about being hit with the eraser.

This introduces a step between the action and reaction where contemplation and choice can be inserted into the equation. Perhaps the eraser was simply being tossed to the teacher at the teacher's request. Perhaps the teacher accidentally threw the eraser in a gesture at the blackboard. Any number of explanations exist. This contemplation leads to the choice element for expressing anger.

In contemplation, John takes a moment to run through the possibilities and stops to check the facts before reacting. This pause is a powerful moment. It leads to the ability to insert a choice of how the reaction is going to be expressed. If the teacher did indeed accidentally release the eraser and John threatened the teacher, John would likely end up in trouble. However, what if John makes another choice.

The idea of having a choice in how to respond to a situation may be a new concept for your son. A good exercise to help your son explore this concept is to have him recount at least five times when he has felt or expressed anger or rage. Next, have your son list the situation or even that led him to express anger. Now, have your son insert the ideas of contemplation and choice into the action-reaction equation.

Good questions to ask include:

• Looking back, what really was behind the event you reacted to?
• What are some possibilities for the action other than the one you supposed?
• What could you have done rather than immediately become angry?
• Given the same situation, what choice would you make to lead to a different outcome?

Of course, the ideas of contemplation and choice are not going to be automatically assimilated. They are competing against surging hormones and developmental limitations. However, as your son develops, choice should become easier and easier to apply. Make certain, when anger is a discipline issue, to have your son explore the failure to contemplate and make appropriate choices.

With patience, the idea of being able to interrupt the action-reaction equation in expressing anger or rage can be learned. Parents can help their sons by being available to explore the events and reactions. Helping your son see that he has power over his reactions is a powerful achievement in parenting. For your son, it is an essential part of healthy development.

The copyright of the article Helping Your Teenage Son Express Anger in Parenting Teens is owned by Reece Manley. Permission to republish Helping Your Teenage Son Express Anger in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.

Boys Need Help in Expressing Anger