Teenagers are notoriously uncommunicative with their elders. The reason is self-evident. Puberty brings on a rush of new thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations that are very intense, and often intensely embarrassing. Sudden mood swings are common, accompanied by an intense drive for independence and self-regulation. None of these changes does much to facilitate parent-child communication, and the range of "safe" topics of conversation is noticeably reduced. Both teens and parents find it easier to keep interaction to a minimum rather than risk treading in emotional mine fields.
Shaping Healthier Interactions
Better communication cannot be achieved overnight. Like any difficult behavior, it has to be achieved in a series of small steps – what psychologists call successive approximations of the desired outcome. The first step is getting some kind of communication started. It helps to begin in an environment where "escape" is difficult – riding in a car together, or sharing some household task. First topics should be impersonal, but still areas where the teen has some strong opinions. Sports, music, holiday plans, fashion (if it's not a "hot button") all can be safe topics.
The key to success, though, is not avoiding controversy. A parent's goal must be to demonstrate that he or she is genuinely listening, genuinely interested in what the teen has to say, and respectful of the teen's opinions and feelings, even if the parent disagrees. As teens come to believe that their parents regard their feelings as important, they will begin to broach more personal concerns.
Active Listening Skills
Most people are poor listeners. Their attention drifts, and they think more about what they mean to say next rather than what they are hearing. They listen to the first few words of a sentence, and mentally fill in the rest based on what they think they know of the speaker. Everything they hear comes through distorted by their preconceptions and expectations. Active listening skills are designed to overcome those failures. The rules for active listening are simple, but as is true of all skills, effort and practice are required to achieve mastery.
- Parents must concentrate – pay attention to every word their teenagers say, and watch their faces for nonverbal cues.
- Parents should periodically summarize what their teenagers have said, to check for understanding and to reassure the teens that their parents are really listening.
- Parents must contain their own emotional responses, but report back the emotional states – both positive and negative – they perceive in their teens. That lets their teens know there is empathy as well as cognitive understanding.
Dealing With Conflict
Once parents become adept at active listening, dealing with conflict becomes much easier. When parents contain their own emotions, understanding their teenagers' feelings becomes much easier. It becomes possible for parents to consult with their teens, find out their objections to their parents' points of view, and construct solutions. At the same time, the parents are modeling constructive behavior – setting a good example of how to handle disagreements.
This is not to say that "compromise" always will be possible or advisable, but when parents set out rules or limits in a rational way, unencumbered by displays of emotion and respectful of the teen's feelings, compliance is far more likely.
Good Emotional Communication
Respect and understanding are the keys to good emotional communication. Nobody ever should be condemned for feeling angry, frustrated, or sad. When teenagers learn that they can safely express such feelings to their parents, they will be far more willing to share their problems and their fears – and also their hopes and their dreams.
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