As a parent, you will likely receive many streams of tips and hints from your friends. When it becomes overwhelming or in conflict with your values, be prepared to set appropriate boundaries for your own wellness.
In times of frustration, parents may drop their guard. However, your teens need to receive consistent messages when it comes to guidelines. It's at the hardest times when you need to call on your reserves to manage all of the incoming information.
Hearing Out the Advice Preserves Positive Feelings
Of course, one wants to preserve friendships and positive positions with relatives and friends. The opportunity to carry over good feelings comes in listening, reflecting, and then making your position clear and firm.
The first skill to apply is to listen. All people like to feel as if they make a difference. This feeling can easily come from being listened to when trying to be helpful. If one makes an effort to sit down, listen to what a friend or relative has to say and apply an internal evaluation at the same time to build a bond while protecting one's standards.
Reflecting is a simple step of resending the information to the advice giver. In order to convey understanding of what was said, rephrase advice and reflect it back to the advice giver.
For example, a mother-in-law, perhaps called Edith, wants to contest the lights out time for a teenage grandson named Greg.
The grandmother, Edith, says "Jane you should make Greg go to bed. He needs his sleep and you simply don't give him enough of it." To respond to the statement, the parent, perhaps called Jill, needs to simply respond:
- "Edith, I understand you think 10 PM is too late of a bedtime for your grandson. You feel it should be 9 PM because he needs extra sleep as he grows."
- Jill has recognized Edith by her name and position, giving a feeling of validation to both.
- Jill has restated Edith's feelings about the bedtime.
- Jill has restated Edith's reason for the advice.
This reflection gives the person offering the advice a clear indication she has been heard.
Parents Should Stand Firm on Proven Positions
In the above example, Jill probably has a good reason for the 10 PM bedtime. In order to have set the bedtime rule, Jill probably noticed her teenager, Greg, prefers to complete homework later in the evening. In addition, Jill has probably also evaluated the teenager's performance at school and has seen either improvement or stability. Finally, the rule probably exists to fit Greg's social calendar and extracurricular obligations.
In order to deflect the advice in a kind manner, the parent might phrase an additional response to include the following points:
- "I understand you think 9 PM is the right time for bedtime for Greg. However, he has been completing his homework and performing better at school with the 10 PM lights out. He has also become busier with the football team and the later hour allows him to complete all of his expanding opportunities and obligations. For these reasons, I have moved lights out to an hour later."
In this example, Jill has expressed her insights into the situation and remembered her position as the expert for her child, Greg. It's important Jill remember she is the expert. Although much advice can be offered, no one knows her child as she does.
Although parents can receive conflicting advice and can be overwhelmed by well-meaning counsel they need to remember they are the best source of knowledge for their children. Even in times of confusion, parents should maintain the boundaries and rules they have set for their children.
When conflicting advice is offered, parents simply need to listen and reflect the advice to the friend or relative to maintain positive feelings. But parents should still stand firm as the expert on their teen.
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