Parenting Teens Requires Playing Many Roles
As a Child becomes a Youth, Parents Change Styles for Kid's Growth
Mar 9, 2009
It is easier to provide that framework for yourself and your child when they are small enough to hang on your every word. They accept control because it fulfills needs. As they get older, they are unwilling to accept everything their "pal " says. They are capable of doing things themselves and there is less control.
Parents Play Multiple Roles
Saying it is easy to be a younger kid's pal is overly simplistic. Parents play many roles with their kids throughout their lives. When asked what roles they play with kids, parents reply: friend, teacher, disciplinarian, coach, consultants, supervisors, advocates, and communicators. However, it is important to remember the title is parent. Playing all roles is important and sometimes misbehavior results when parents play one role too frequently.
Flexible Styles are Helpful for Teen Development
As kids grow, it is necessary for parenting to change. Around age 13, parents begin to struggle with the needs of taking charge and letting go. The best analogy is birds learning to fly. They need a stable nest to exercise their wings before flight. The nest must be there when they take practice flights. There will be crash landings but eventually, if given enough freedom, the birds fly. One lesson for kids is that with freedom comes responsibility.
There are some dos and don'ts for parents trying to navigate the teen years with as little pain and as much development as possible. In Surviving Your Adolescents [Child Management, Inc., 1994], Thomas W. Phalen suggests there are four interactions parents should always avoid. If used regularly they are damaging to relationships.
- Spontaneous problem discussion. This happens when parents see the youth watching TV and decide to talk about the paper that's due. Do you like being interrupted? Ask when they might like to talk and stick to that schedule.
- Nagging. This is also a spontaneous behavior. It is usually the result of frustration. Be sure your discussion is important and ask for input on a scheduled time for discussion.
- Lecturing. How often did you let a parent's lecture go in one ear and out the other? You can give advice but keep it short and don't expect mountains to move.
- Arguing. Never argue with a teen. Parents forget it takes two to argue. If it is important, say it and leave. Don't try to have the last word. Come back later to see that they are doing what is necessary.
Useful Roles for Teen Growth
According to Phalen, there are four roles parents can play with teens that are useful and promote development.
- Observer. This requires watching and listening. Remember birds need to crash and no lesson is wasted.
- Advisor. Try not to do it spontaneously. Advice can be accepted or rejected.
- Negotiator. Pick a time to talk and define the problem. Then, make a deal. They're older now and deserve input.
- Director. This is for serious problems. It involves setting limits and consequences in writing. It can also mean professional help like counseling.
David J. Wilmes, in Parenting for Prevention [Johnson Institute-QVS, Inc., 1995] advises that learning to play all roles and remembering the title is "parent" can help teens flourish through crashes without having relationships in your home crash and burn.
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