During this extremely social phase, parents can tap into this drive to communicate by listening. Many teenagers are interested in talking, not listening. They have strong abstract reasoning and they have formed strong opinions. They want to be heard. They want to debate – and win. At this developmental phase, it is important that parents listen to teenagers and model good listening habits. As teenagers enter adulthood, they begin to crave two-way conversations again.
Offer Topics of Conversation
Sometimes teenagers want to talk, but don't seem to have anything to say, or do not seem to know how to get started with a conversation. Gentle questions might be the right place to start. Instead of asking yes or no questions such as, "Is everything okay?", parents might say, "Tell me about lunch today." Getting conversations started with open-ended discussions may lead to areas of conversation that are more meaningful to teenagers.
Showing Teenagers that Parents are Listening
Because much of school is focused on listening to teachers, teenagers know when someone is listening and when someone is faking it. Listening to teenagers means paying attention to the message they are trying to give you. It is important to make eye-contact and ask questions. It is hard to minimize distractions all the time, but if teenagers see that their parents are looking at them and following the conversation, they will understand they are being heard.
Positive Listening Behaviors
Even though teenagers are quickly gaining conversational experience, they are not as adept at conversation as adults. Some tips to help listen to teenagers include:
- when teenagers start to babble, ask pointed questions to re-focus the conversation on the main idea.
- give teenagers time to find the right word in their ever expanding vocabularies.
- allow teenagers to have enough time to talk. If it isn't a good time for a conversation, be honest and say so, but offer a specific time to return to the conversation.
Non-Verbal Cues
Parents know their children, and the subtle behaviors that indicate that a person is agitated, bored, or tired are important to recognize in conversation. If parents notice that teenagers are getting upset, focus all attention on the issue. If parents notice that teenagers are starting to daze, wind the conversation down.
Teenagers depend on their parents to help them understand how to communicate with adults. A teenager with parents who listen and respond thoughtfully is a lucky teenager, and a parent who establishes strong lines of communication will not regret it.
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