Teenagers' Deaths Leave Friends Shaken
The Grief Process in Adolescence Differs Significantly From Adults
The hot US 71 highway is bare save the small erected cross, clumped with photos, pom-poms and notes reading of love and remorse for Cassie, just one more of the teenagers lost on US highways this year. The notes are remarkably poignant and personal given their teenage authors normal status of cliques and gossip. One life lost symbolizes many lives changed.
Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified grief as a process experienced in several predictive stages. These stages include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance with other theorist spinning off other life areas affected by grief.
Why is it So Hard for Teens to Lose Friends?
Teenagers seem to be strongly affected by a peer's death for three reasons: the time spent in the presence of the peer, the internal compromise with the "personal fable" and the lack of having expressions of control over the incident of death and its rituals.
In Illene Noppe in "Adolescent Experiences with Death: Letting Go of Immortality" [American Mental Health Counselor, 2004] explores the first two reasons. First, adolescent peer groups spend full school days interacting with each other and sharing the common experience of growing up. Unlike adults, teenagers tend to continue their contact with their peers throughout the evening after the "workday" of school is finished. This extra time spent together increases the influence of peer groups on its members.
Most importantly however, is the challenge of a teenager's friend's death to the teenager's concept of the personal fable. The personal fable is the construct that is a developmental phenomenon found in adolescence that imparts a feeling of invulnerability in the teenage mind. While theorists differ as to why the construct exits, some say it is necessary to overcome other fear responses and others seeing it as an obstacle to overcome, it is present in the majority of teenagers. Being faced with mortality on a personal level, with a peer who is much like the teenager, creates a crisis.
This crisis can express itself as not only the stages of grief, but as well as confusion, ongoing depression, risk-taking behavior and an inability to concentrate points out Noppe.
Not surprisingly, teenagers also express frustration about having little control of the memorial of their peers. Since many arrangements are made by the family, sometimes peers are denied much needed times of personal grief and support.
How Parents Can Help a Grieving Teen
Parents can be of vital support to their teenager when a close friend is suddenly lost. In addition to being aware of the traditional grieving process, parents can include the following ideas to help teens deal with the death of a peer.
- Support teenagers in attending grief groups held on campus or at Houses of Faith.
- Be open to answering questions from teenagers, especially those of a spiritual nature.
- Assist the teenager and his friends attend funerals for the passed teen, unless to do so distresses the family.
- Provide education and answers about what exactly happened to cause the death of the teenager. Be sensitive about suicides or deaths at the cause of the lost one's own hands due to mistakes.
- Help the teenager become involved in organizations such as Students Against Drunk Driving.
Teenagers are remarkably resilient and most will adjust to the passing of a beloved friend given time and patience. Parents need to be aware, however, of the special challenges death presents to teenagers. Parents who take appropriate actions can help emulsify the pain of loss.
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